Alternate DBZ (Rewrite)
by PompusRompus
Summary: Imagine a world where Goku is completely out of character and is an downright moron and jerk at the same times. Here's such a story. Contains incest, yaoi, mpreg, and other pairings. I've decided to rewrite the Alternate DBZ series I wrote from years ago.


This story is old and looking back at it, I feel the need to rewrite it. I'm going to leave it up btw. I'm rewriting this because why not. Both fanfics in this series will be rewritten underneath this story instead of it being two different stories. The 3rd one isn't finished and it might stay that way. I don't like the way I wrote any of it...well okay only parts of it. I'll keep the parts I really like and add it onto this story.

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It was a normal, quiet day in the Son household with Chichi cleaning up while Gohan was taking a nap. That lazy husband of her's was still sleeping in probably after spending all his time in the forest doing Kami-sama knows what. It irked the woman that her husband didn't make a decent living. Scratch that. He wasn't even making a living at all! Sure he brought home food for her to cook so they didn't go hungry and they had a garden out back, but she shouldn't be living like this. A man should be out earning some kind of money for his family. They couldn't live off of her father's money forever, though the man didn't mind at all. However Chichi did. As a matter of fact, today was the day Goku was getting off his lazy butt and getting a job!

She placed down her feather duster and stormed into the room. Goku was sleeping peacefully in his bed. Chichi nearly didn't want to wake up her husband as he did look cute while he slept. He could sleep once he got a job. She attempted to wake him up gently only to get punched in the face. While she laid on the floor holding her now bleeding nose, she could hear him mumble, "Don't touch me, Piccolo! You're not the boss of me...*snore*!"

"You mother...!" She began muttering angrily under her breath as she went to nurse her nose. After stopping the bleeding, she stormed back into the room and yanked the covers off of his body. ""GOKU! GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND GO GET A JOB!"

"Huh?" Goku rubbed the sleep from his eyes. "Oh hey Chichi! What's for breakfast?"

"IT'S THREE IN THE AFTERNOON. GET UP!"

"Why didn't you wake me up?" He asked.

"Because you sleep like a rock!" She growled. "And I tried to wake you a few minutes earlier, but then you punched me in the face!"

"Oh my gosh! Oh you okay?" He hadn't meant to punch his wife in the face. He hoped he hadn't broken anything. He scrambled off the bed and attempted to check her nose. "Here, lemme look!"

"No, I'm not fine!" She pushed him off. "Sometimes I wonder why I married you…"

"Yeah…why did I marry you…?"

"WHAT?" She screeched.

Ten minutes later, Goku got kicked out of the house with Chichi telling him off the whole time. Before she slammed the door, she told him to find a job. The whole week Goku was kicked out, Goku reviewed his life. Why was it always he that always had to save the day? Why didn't Chichi get a job herself? Why did he marry Chichi after knowing her for one day? As a matter of fact, why hadn't he gotten himself kicked out sooner? He loved living out in the wilderness just like how he used to do. He could train all he wanted, wrestle with forest creatures, fish for as long as he wanted, and just be free to do as he wished without Chichi telling him what to do! It was paradise.

"I should have rethought about my life sooner," He said as he started up into the sky as he thought about more stuff.

After returning to his house, he saw Chichi hanging up clothes. Chichi turned and frowned. "Well well well…look who finally showed up. Did you get a job yet?"

"Did _you_ get one?"

"EXCUSE ME?"

"Did you _**HEAR** _ me?"

"Goku…"

"Chichi…"

"Stop that!"

"Stop that!" mimicked Goku.

"Hey daddy!" Gohan ran out with his books.

"Oh it's you…" Chichi glared at him. She didn't like that disappointed tone in his voice.

"Do you want to go fishing?" he asked him eagerly. He hadn't seen his father in ages and wanted to go fishing with his dad.

"Oh it's the weak son of mine." said Goku. "Why don't you go fishing with that monster mother of your's? Make me proud and get rid of that snapping bitch."

"YOU PIECE OF GARBAGE!" Chichi took her frying pan of doom out of nowhere and aimed for Goku's head. Instead of taking it as usual, he dodge it and hit Chichi once more. This time on purpose. He wasn't going to let her hit him anymore! He was tired of this abuse!

"Gohan put those stupid books away! We're leaving this woman!"

"Oh boy!" Gohan was a little too happy to leave his now knocked out mother behind. Maybe it had something to do with Chichi constantly harassing him to study, leaving very little time for fun. With his dad, it was fun 24/7. He was up and read to go. After putting up his books and grabbing his hat, Gohan hopped on his dad's nimbus and flew off towards Master Roshi's house.

He could sense Bulma, Krillin, and Master Roshi's presence inside the home. It had been a while since he had seen the three of them. Chichi kept an eye on him like a hawk. She would refuse to let him out of her site and tag along practically everywhere with him until she became pregnant with their kid, Gohan. Then Goku was on a time limit. Whenever he asked why, she would only give him a reason that she might need him. It wasn't until he found her diary was when he found out she thought another woman might win him over. Well she didn't have any reason to fear that. Goku had never been interested in women much like his best friend and master. He was much more interested in fighting and getting stronger. He could never quite get what was so fascinating about women that made Krillin and Roshi's noses bleed like crazy or the way they would sometimes ogle the chest of some woman with a large chest.

Once he landed, he called out to his friends. "Yo! I'm here!"

"Long time, no see Goku!" grinned Master Roshi as he and the others burst out of the house.

"Who the kid?" asked Bulma looking down at the small child

"Did you start babysitting, Goku?" asked Krillin.

"No, Krillin." Goku rolled his eyes. Were his friends stupid or something? "This is my kid, Gohan."

"WHAT? THAT'S YOUR KID?" they all gasped. The man then face palmed at the stupidity he was witnessing Did they not think he was capable of having a child? Chichi told him that when you got married, you have kids. Didn't these morons know that?

"NO! This is my girlfriend Lola…HELL YEAH THIS IS MY SON YOU DINGLE LINGS!"

"Wow…" said Bulma still staring at the mini Goku.

"Well don't get mad Goku…but we didn't think you would…well you know…" said Roshi.

"Well at least I got some," Goku started to look like Turles for a minute. "You guys are assholes."

"Wow. What's with the language Goku?" the turtle hermit stared at his former student in shock. Goku hadn't swore before so when did that start?

"What's with you being ugly?"

Suddenly Goku turned and gasped. Everyone looked concerned at Goku.

"What's wrong Goku?" asked Bulma.

"That power level…it's…it's…higher than Krillin's losing streak*!"

"Hey! I don't lose that much! If anything, Master Roshi loses more than me!" Krillin said mumbling the last part.

"Not really. Now shut up, bitch."

"You little…" Krillin began. However he never got to finish the question when Raditz landed right in front of them, surprising everybody. Even the turtle gasped.

"Hello Kakarrot," said mysterious long haired man. One thing to note about this stranger was the tail on him. It looked a lot like the one Goku had when he was a kid. However Goku was the only one who hadn't noticed. What he did notice was how attractive this man was.

"And just who are you handsome?" asked Goku.

"What?" Raditz was caught off guard by the comment from the younger man.

"You heard me. Who are you handsome?"

"Are you coming on to me?" This was getting really creepy now. Then again he hadn't the slightest clue he was his older brother. After all he had been sent to this planet when he was a newborn.

"I don't know…am I?" Goku said rubbing up against his brother.

"Goku get away from him!" Bulma commanded. This guy gave off a bad aura and he looked dangerous as well.

"Why?" Goku snuggled up against his brother who was getting even more weirded out than before.

"BECAUSE HE'S EVIL!"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW?" He yelled back

"BECAUSE HE'S UGLY! UGLY PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS UGLY!"

"Don't you mean evil?" corrected the former monk.

"That too."

"YOU'RE UGLY AND YOU'RE A SLUT…" Goku turned to Raditz. "Are you a slut?"

" _Hell yeah he is!"_ Came a mysterious voice over the thing Raditz had over his eye.

"Who is that?" Goku took off Raditz's scouter. "Hello?"

" _I think he heard you Veggie…"_ said a much different voice than before.

" _No DUH Nappa…AND DON'T CALL ME VEGGIE…"_

"Wow… YOUR VOICE SOUNDS GAY!" Goku smirked.

" _WHAT DID YOU SAY?"_

" _He said your voice sounds gay."_

" _WHAT?"_

"He said your voice sounds gay." said Bulma.

" _WHAT?"_

"Your voice sounds gay." repeated the turtle.

" _WHAT?"_

"YOUR VOICE SOUNDS GAY!" everyone shouted. Was this guy deaf or at least going deaf?

" _WHAT?"_

"ARE YOU DEAF?" Goku yelled into the scouter.

" _If he wasn't before he is now."_ Nappa mumbled.

"Give me that!" Raditz snatched it back. "As I was trying to say was I'm your older brother and…you know what…fuck it…"

"R-right here?" Goku blushed. "O-o-oh my! I didn't expect this. But we just met! Surely you plan to take me out to dinner first!"

"What the…" Raditz turned to Goku's friends and son. "Is he ok?"

"I don't know…he may be stupid but he's normally not this stupid…" said Bulma.

"Let me guess…he was dropped on the head as a baby wasn't he?"

"Yep." answered Roshi.

"He never was a fit parent…well that's what mommy says." said Gohan.

"What are you supposed to be?" asked Raditz now looking at his nephew.

"I'm Gohan!" Gohan said cheerfully, then he turned serious. "Please take me with you."

"Uh…ok…" Raditz grabbed Gohan. "Well I'll be going now…"

"Hey! Where do you think you're going?" Bulma said bravely.

"I'm taking my nephew with me."

"What are you idiots waiting for?" Bulma yelled at Krillin and Roshi. "Stop him!"

"No way! Why don't YOU stop him?" the two said in unison.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME! I'D GET SLAUGHTERED!" Fighting was in their department, not her's. As huge as that guy was, she'd be dead. Besides she didn't even had a weapon on her. How was little ol' her supposed to take down that guy?

"WELL DON'T YOU THINK WE'D GET SLAUGHTERED TOO?" cried Roshi.

Seeing that the others were far too weak and too busy arguing with each other to stop him, he just left. This went slightly better than expected.

"Wait…aren't we going to take daddy too?" asked Gohan.

"He'll come when he's ready. No more questions. Shut up and I'll give you some candy."

"YAY! Mommy never lets me and daddy have any candy!" cheered the little boy. Once the two of them arrived to the space pod, Raditz opened it up.

"Now stay in here." Raditz dropped his nephew into the pod. "If Kakarrot wants to join us, he'll find us."

"Then what?"

"We'll lay waste to this planet."

"What? Why?" asked Gohan panicked. "My mom may mean sometimes and my grandpa may smell like a sweaty ox, but I don't want them to die!"

"Fine! I'll throw in a cookie."

"I never really liked Earth anyways." Gohan shut the pod door.

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Sorry if this is bad. I'm feeling incredibly lazy right now. I'll probably end up rewritting this chapter. More soon.


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